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A Nervous Breakdown

As the truth dawned on me this morning, that all my old simulation files do not work properly anymore, I started to feel all nervous. My hand was shaking as I constructed back the assembly bit by bit. I constructed a master assembly years ago, making it possible for me to not have to build everything all over again each time. And this time, even if I manage to build everything, I am not sure it will run the same way it did before.

My lens doesn’t work anymore. It had the same parameter, the same set-up, the same curve. And yet the results are still different. There were tears in my eyes. I was back to that young fresh graduate once again, who just sent her first wrong drawing.

Then as I stood watching the optimization engine runs to re-engineered back my lens, I thought of the guy who had walked with me through this work. I thought of how positive he was, how he thinks I did a great job the last time he checked my work. You are almost there, he had said. Well, he is one of the best the company has had, and he thinks I did well, so I must have done something right. And I must be able to do it right again. The guy had left the company some times ago, now I have no one to turn to. But surely now I am able to do something right on my own.

Deep breath.

You see, sometimes there are people who leave. You may wish to remember them, you may wish not to. I choose to remember people for all the things they have taught me, big or small. One time someone taught me how important good shoes are. Another time was how to make a good soft boil eggs. And this time, the guy who taught me everything about being positive.

They are all people who had left me. But I’ll remember them anyway. For they had taught me.

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