The Big Questions

Do you think of killing yourself?

Honestly, yes. But I don’t know about others, mine doesn’t come as those spur-of-the-moment I-can’t-take-it-anymore-I-want-to-kill-myself kind of thoughts. It just slipped casually, bit by bit, oh-so-innocently that at the end it makes me think killing myself is a natural reaction to my kids crying. IT IS NOT! But it seemed so to me at that moment. Which is why the whole thing is called mental illness: you have difficulty making sense of what’s right and what’s wrong, the exact same way you have difficulty seeing when you are not wearing glasses.

By then I already learned that what I feel is not as important as what is wrong or what is right. With a tweak of hormone your heart can deceive you into feeling things that isn’t there. So when you *feel* like you are in love with those dUCk Blurred Lines Anniversary Edition, remember it’s just your heart tricking you, you aren’t really in love with it and you’ll regret it once the money went out of you bank account. Funny? But that was what happened to me. The anti-depressant worked to balance back my hormone and bang! I was back being positive I even rolled eyes to my husband complaining of another driver on the road, thinking why are you all fired up with just a small thing. I totally forgot that that was me a month ago.

Wasn’t I afraid of taking anti-depressant while pregnant?

Honestly, I didn’t think about it until I took it. Ha ha ha. And once you took it you cannot back off without your psychiatrist agreeing to it, so I closed my eyes and hopes for the best. Always talk to you O&G about talks you had with your psychiatrist, I even told her what meds was I given and at how many doses. She needs to know and look out for contra-indications, you see.

I was advised to stop the meds a few days before giving birth, if I know when I’m giving birth for eg planned IOL or planned caesarean, because the baby can be a bit fussy for a few days after delivery if I don’t stop early. In Winter’s case, he’s fussy about 5 days and settled well after that

How was my husband through it all?

He has been very supportive, distracting Heartbeat from interfering with me. He stopped asking what’s wrong when I got irritated and instead asked what he can do to help me feel better. Because seriously, it got me more irritated to have to answer why I was irritated because half of the time I didn’t know why I was irritated, and saying I am irritated because the garlic would not peel properly just doesn’t make sense. Always it is far better to have your husband along with you on your psychiatrist appointment, the doctors would want to discuss stuff with him too, but my husband couldn’t be there and it’s OK. He’s already doing all he can to help me.

The night my labor started, I took my meds late as we had our dinner outside. By then I was positively waging war with the teh ais bungkus in my bag and eating off Heartbeat’s head, that my husband asked, “Did you take your meds already?” I legit sounded like someone seriously ill. But my O&G had predicted the symptom would grow worse leading up to labor, so I guess she was right.

..to be continued

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